On the Winning Side

"The Lord will fight for you, you only have to be still."
Exodus 14:14

I write today bringing more worldly bad news, but also eternal good news. 

Recently I have had little to no fight left in me. I feel like fighting off pain and symptoms is easier when you don't have a diagnosis because you have that hope of a cure, the idea that if you appear less than okay your doctors will thin you're over exaggerating, the desire to keep pushing for answers. 
Once you have a diagnosis, especially one like mine, it becomes harder. I thought it would be easier because I'd be able to push and fight while receiving treatment that could help me push and fight. When you have chronic illness you're conditioned to present your symptoms to your care team like a to-do list rather than a list of things that are pulling your body apart. You're supposed to have it all together when you in fact, do not. 
My appointment on Thursday was one of the first times I have ever cried at the office during this journey I've been on. We had to hear the words, "there's nothing more we can really do. I honestly don't know what all of this is anymore."
I have a very different presentation of this disease than my doctor has ever seen. I'm developing symptoms she's never seen before and going bad rather quickly. She cares though and has sent us in other directions that she hopes will prove effective. However, those words are definitely NOT what we wanted to hear. 

It's fitting that this happened the day before Good Friday and a few days before Easter.
This whole week has been a great reminder that I'm not the one fighting. 
Yes, it's my body going through this huge mess but I have someone who has never lost a single battle on my side. He fights FOR me. He fights WITH me, and He wins. Every. Single. Time. 
Our God will fight for us but we need to be still. Exodus sates it nice and clear. God's people were going through a lot and He still promised to deliver them, and He did. 
Its like fighting with a baby trying to get them dressed. As a past nanny I have way to much experience in this. If the kid is flailing and screaming while you're trying to put on their pajamas so they can go to bed it's super hard. Like I'm pretty sure that's right up there next to bull fighting. At some point (most of the time) the kid realizes what's happening, that this means they get to have a bottle and go to sleep. Eventually they chill out and the rest of the night is easy. 

If we want God to fight for us that means we have to let Him. 
We can't ask Him to fight and then go, "no no it's fine, I got this."
We don't got this. 
That doesn't mean stoop fighting yourself. I'm not going to sit here like a potato for the rest of my life waiting for God to make a move. He works through us, but I need to stop moving. We need to stop putting all of our faith and hope in the world and in earthy solutions. I have to keep fighting with God, not against Him, and trust that He is leading me into the right battles because He knows they will make me stronger and ultimately give us the victory. 

Right now we don't really know where we're going. We've got a couple appointments set up with my GP and a geneticist to cover some bases, but we're stuck. We are looking to the cross, that glowing beam of eternal peace and hope, and knowing the real battle is won. 
The cross has the final word over this.
And it is the word of triumph.



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