This Wasn't in the Brochure

We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests. 
-Sheryl Sandberg

I didn't sign up for this. Who would?
I think I've sat down about four different times now desperately trying to find the right words to say, to somehow come up with a metaphor or simile appropriate for how I'm feeling right now. 
Long story short: I's not good.

Since my last post things have been getting worse. I'm not going to go into detail because this is a public platform and I do want to retain some sort of privacy on here, but I also want to be open with everyone. Nobody talks about these things. You've read my triumphant perseverance and my unwavering faithfulness, but, my friend, the world is not all like that. 
I deeply wish when people asked, "How are you" I could truthfully answer with "I'm Great!"
But I can't so here I am. 
Everything seems so badly out of focus. Like I've constantly got something stuck in my eye. I can;t quite tell where anything is and if it's okay to grab it or head that way because it's all fuzzy. I'm trying to figure out how to make hard decisions. I mean luckily I don;t have to do this on my own, I have wonderful family and friends that support me and a God that is always fighting a winning battle even if it isn't my definition of 'won'. 
I think what I so often forget is that God glory and power does not rest on his ability to heal me, but on his ability to use me. I'm still in a really bad situation that I would not wish upon my greatest enemy and it's frustrating and draining and most days I'm crying. BUT, I'm trusting most days. When I come out of a bad episode or finally get a good nights sleep is always easier. My brain is literally not what it used to be. It's such a hard battle and nobody tells you that when these things start. 
I thought once I got a diagnosis it would be rainbows and butterfly and easy treatment, but as God would have it I got something with absolutely no known effective treatment or plan. A supposed to be successful treatment was a failure and my patience is so thin because we have one more plan to try and after that we really don't know. 
I don't have to know though.
That's not my job.

In the book of Luke Jesus asks God to take this cup from Him, to take away the suffering he knew he would soon face, but then he says "yet I want your will to be done, so let it be done." 
I can ask God to give me the easy road, take it all away, I can beg on hands an knees, but in the end it's His will over mine and that's all I want. There is no way I want my plan to work out because it's flawed by default. I'm a flawed human being. God is perfect and nothing would make me happier than following a perfect plan. 

I'm not going to lie, I'm angry, I'm scared- terrified even, sad, worried. All of this is a lot to take in and a lot of the time even the people I love can't help me feel better. I can't do things I used to be able to do, and there are things I will literally never be able to do again because they could throw me into an even faster spiral down. 
So, let me try to end this on a happy note.
Even though I didn't sign up for this, and none of this was in the little brochure they give you when you get a diagnosis that has a picture of a nurse on it and someone obviously faking pain, it's the one we got. There's probably some fine print somewhere about things getting stupid tough, or a coupon for free ice cream, I don't know. Either way all I can do right now is lay back and wait. I have absolutely zero control over this. Trusting in God and having patience is all I can do, but it's really stupid hard. 
Have faith, take the cup that was given to you and push forward. That path is rocky and thorned, but I promise it is perfect. 



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